With a straight face, ASIS is offering a Mad-Libs style letter that you are encouraged to send to your Boss after entering in a few particulars. Here's the greeting:
In the middle is the justification and cost breakdown section, before ending with the pathetic:
Remember to use your typical signature... Also, don't delay; you don't want to be the second guy to submit one.
Maybe John could write a satirical form letter for Bosses, denying the expense and enumerating the reasons:
Dear [INSERT employees typical name]...